Worth it

The week before Easter, we had a worship concert: “Facedown” at Velocity Reborn. I was somewhat annoyed at this because the previous Friday night I slowly lost my voice until, before the night was over, I could hardly speak above a whisper. Saturday my voice was nothing, and by Sunday I could speak with slightly more ease. However, when I attempted to sing, there was no sound.

So, I did what I could do. I mouthed the words, wrote in my journal, sat while reflecting on the lyrics, and attempted to sing.

Then, Pastor Matt started to talk about the cross. That Sunday was the once annually we took communion as a youth group. Unlike normal communion at Sunday service, a video was shown. Last year, when we were shown clips from “The Passion” I looked away. I knew there would be blood, and I didn’t want to see it. This year, I knew that I needed to watch. I held the wafer in one hand, and the plastic grape juice-filled cup in the other. As the scene from the movie played, I sat almost completely still except for my trembling hands. With each whip lash and with each time the hammer pounded the nail I told myself two things. “He did that for me.” and “I’m not worth it.”

For years, I’ve struggled with feelings of self-worth. I still do. There have been times where I’ve felt that I wasn’t really worth anything. I’ve grown up as a Christian, and I’ve memorized verses on my value and worth to God, but nothing ever really clicked. The head simply would not communicate this message to my heart.

When Pastor Matt asked us “who here is glad Jesus died on the cross?” my initial response was “I’m not.” I will admit it, I’ve messed up. I’ve been at points where I’ve felt that the dirt had more worth than I did. Why would the King of all sacrifice Himself for me? I’m not worth anything like that at all.

Thing is though, even though I didn’t deserve what God did, He still did it. Even though I feel worthless at times, and I tell myself I’m not worth that sacrifice, God doesn’t see it the way I see it. He sees me as beautiful, and He thinks I’m worth every drop of that precious blood that was shed on that cross.

Jesus didn’t make that sacrifice because I was worth it. I am worth it because Jesus made that sacrifice.