Hiding Behind the Mask

It’s not easy being real. Sometimes, it’s just plain hard not to put on a phony smile and act like everything is good when the truth is you are completely broken.

I know.

I have not been real. I think that every day I hide part of who I am. A friend makes a joke about something that hits me hard, and I force a laugh so he doesn’t know. I’ll even joke around myself so that I can try to fool the world into thinking that I’m alright. It’s not just the laughing at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I’ve gone beyond that. I’m so afraid of revealing myself that I’ve completely lied. I’ve said “no” to a joking comment when the real answer was “yes.”

I’m not sure how much of this I can take. These fake smiles, and saying that I’m okay when I’m completely shattered inside. The show that I’m loving church and youth group when God is the furthest thing from my mind. Giving up on something I love, and pretending to hate it because I’m afraid of being hurt. It’s not easy putting on a show.

And I shouldn’t have to do it. I shouldn’t have to cover up who I am. I’m not the person some people think I am. If you just took one look inside my mind, you would know that I live a double life.

Unfortunately, sometimes I get too good at this act. There are times where I don’t even know who I really am. I don’t know what I am feeling. It’s weird to say this, but it’s true. I hide parts of myself from the rest of the world, and eventually I even cover them up from myself.

I also try to hide it from God. It’s stupid…I know. Why would I even think I can do something like that? I can’t hide who I am from God. He sees right through the mask I put on for everybody-whether it’s friends, family, or even myself. Still, I stop pouring out my heart, and I close it up. I try not to let my thoughts and feelings leak out-even at the cost of neglecting what I have claimed to be most important to me: my relationship with Christ.

I can’t do it anymore. The lies, the hiding who I really am. It’s tearing me apart-making me feel broken and numb inside. This mask I put on costs more than some of you know.

I’m not saying I’m going to reveal my deepest thoughts and secrets to the world. I’m not going to be somebody who opens up to everybody who comes near. At least, not now-and maybe not ever. I am only saying that I need to stop playing games with myself. I need to change, and be myself. I have considered things it may cost, but I also know that it will cost more to live this double life.

Foolish heart looks like we’re here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don’t let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I’m empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I’m tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I’ve made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

-Natalie Grant

Love,

Queen Lissa