Caring (or lack there of)

Like I do on a regular basis, I decided to go online and check out the Velocity website. This time, it was different. I figured the topic to Pastor Matt’s latest blog entry, and I wanted to see if my ideas were correct.

They were.

Pastor Matt is writing from the perspective of an adult who was desperate to fit in with others as a teen. I, however, am still a teenager. I am learning that I am looking into friendships with people who don’t want me around.

In middle school, it was obvious people didn’t want me around. I was called stupid and ugly on a daily basis. I have based some of my perceptions on the opinions of those pre-teens who told me that nobody liked me.

I did have a couple “friends,” but after they turned on me I was left hurt and terrified of going to school. I went through a period of time where I didn’t care if I was accepted or not. In fact, I was desperate not to get accepted into any group at school or church. I did everything I could to keep myself from trying to belong.

I never really saw that the people who I somewhat hang out with don’t want me around. I always blamed it on myself. I usually sit off alone (based on fears of people not wanting to sit near me that developed years ago). I don’t join in activities as much as I should. I figured maybe I was giving off vibes that I didn’t like to be around people.

I guess I should’ve trusted the vibes I had gotten before. There were things that were nagging at me-telling me that they didn’t care about me. Sitting alone on at least one occasion when I couldn’t really walk around (while they hung out away from me). The looks directed towards me from one girl in particular that screamed “I don’t like you.” Still, I figured that I needed to make more of an effort to get out of my shell a little bit. I needed to stop sitting alone and isolating myself.

So, for once I decided to change that. On Sunday I didn’t sit alone at youth or in the service in the morning. I spent the day talking with people, and not sitting off alone all night.

Everything was fine, until after the service. I was hanging out with a group of people, and they started making plans to hang out. Now, I wouldn’t be able to afford to go out to eat, but that doesn’t matter. I was there throughout their whole planning, but not once did anybody ask if I wanted to come along.

Does anybody remember elementary school when you had to mail out party invitations or invite everybody in the class so nobody was left out? I wish we still did things that way. It’s like when I was little and my mom was babysitting. If someone had some treat (like candy) they could only eat it if there was enough for everybody. That way nobody was left out.

Because being left out stinks. Feeling invisible is a terrible feeling. I told a friend that once. We were discussing favorite and least favorite superpowers to have, and I told her that the worst superpower is invisibility. Sure, you can play pranks on people and such, but feeling invisible is awful.

I tried to shrug being left out off. I didn’t have the money, so I wouldn’t have been able to go even if I was asked.

It got harder though. Especially after I mentioned that I was hurt by being completely left out.

They shrugged, and acted like it was no big deal.

It’s one thing to hurt someone’s feelings (intentional or not). Not caring is a completely different thing.

Feeling invisible is bad, but feeling like people don’t care about you is so much worse. I know of some of the unfortunate consequences of being treated like crap by people who don’t care they are hurting me. I don’t think people realize what that can do to a person.

I’m not going to treat people like crap. I’m not going to do what those people did to me. If I’m making plans to hang out when they are around, I’ll ask them if they want to come. They probably won’t want to, but I’ll at least make sure I don’t exclude them.

It’s a good thing the message on Sunday was on forgiveness. I am learning a lesson on forgiveness right now. I am learning to forgive people who hurt me. Not people who are sorry, but people who don’t even care I was hurt.

And I think those people are the hardest to forgive.

This message was brought to you by…

The Official Baby Bop Carrot Seed Protection Agency

“My Little Pony My Little Pony
Beautiful ponies for overcharged prices
My Little Pony will always love you
But they’ll make your parents poor!”

“The I Can’t Stand When Kids Are Mean To Each Other Foundation. (Friends don’t let friends become pompous jerks that treat people like garbage.)”

The letter L.

The number 2.4

And from contributions to your PBS Station by viewers like you.

Thank you.

Love,

Queen Lissa